Do You Trust Me?

Do you trust your significant other? How long did it take you to get to a point of where you fully trusted them? Naturally, after you meet and get to know someone the quality of trust will either begin to grow in that a relationship or not at all. Good 'ole Webster Dictionary defines trust as a “firm belief or confidence in the honesty, integrity, reliability, and justice of another person or thing” (Webster, 1828).  I guess I never really payed attention to all the different aspects of trust. There are so many that I'm sure we all are workin on daily to build.

I know in past posts I write a lot about John Gottman, well today I am going to introduce y'all to another wise man named John. His name is Dr. John Van Epp.  Van Epp is an experienced counselor and is the author of many great books focusing on building relationships. One of my Favorites is How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk, this book blend research and humor to guide individuals in making healthy relationship choices. 

Van Epp offered additional insights to this definition of trust that I mentioned earlier from the Webster Dictionary. He says “Trust encompasses every aspect of a partner – from something as simple as trusting that your partner will call you at the promised time, to trusting your partner to support you through your most difficult nightmare… Trust is the ground from which all your expectations will grow” (Vann Epp, 2007, p. 219). Trust in a way sets the foundation of bonding and intimacy in a relationship. How have you seen this develop in your own relationship?

Vann Epps  also offers a word of caution when allowing yourself to be vulnerable enough to trust someone. He says “You need to be cautious that you do not compromise your emotional safety and mental judgement just to maintain the security of having someone to love you” (Vann Epp, 2007, p. 220). I know that this can be so hard. We all want to be loved and needed by someone. It can be heartbreaking to cut off a relationship that in the long run is not built on trust. 

In Van Epp's book How to Avoid Falling in Love With  a Jerk he teaches readers about the RAM scale. The RAM scale is a simple way to look at relationships should grow in order to be healthy. This scale consists of 5 areas and they are know, Trust, Rely, Commit, and Sexual Touch. These 5 areas are levels of progression that should be followed in order to ensure relationships have strong healthy foundations. In order to stay in a safe zone Van Epp also suggests that individuals keep their trust slider slightly lower than the know slider. This is important especially when you are still building trust with someone” (Vann Epp, 2007, p. 222).

In the September 1988 issue of the Ensign Magazine there is  an article titled Is There Trust in Your Marriage?. This article teaches the importance of the having a foundation of trust in your marriage. “Trust is as central to a happy marriage as faith is to a testimony. If trust is strong and secure, the marriage can grow and flourish despite difficulties and crises. But if trust is weak or erratic, then the marriage will crumble under the pressures of daily life.” (Frandsen, 1988). Trust is one principle in marriage that requires work every day to strengthen. 

It is often thought that trust in marriage only applies to fidelity. However, this is not completely true. “We must also have confidence in each other’s integrity, intelligence, abilities, and potential. In fact, a lack of trust in the small, mundane aspects of life can eventually damage a marriage just as much as a lack of trust in fidelity. The daily nagging, second-guessing, and withholding of support can erode love until no foundation of trust is left.” (Frandsen, 1988). As you continue to learn about a person you will be able to build strong trust that will benefit your relationship and future marriage.