10/10 Recommend Dating Your Spouse

Wanna know what's better than going on a date? Going on a date with your spouse. Let's be honest first dates can be awkward and even stressful. There's no pressure to order the salad (that will leave you starving by the time you get home) or running out of things to talk about when you date your spouse. When you're married you can order whatever you want. 10/10 recommend dating your spouse after you get married. 

Remember last week when I wrote about how I hate the phrase "the honeymoon phase"? Dating your spouse is another great way to make the honeymoon last.

First Things First is a great website that is full of marriage and parenting advice. The article Why Date Night Matters outlines  3 main benefits to dating your spouse on a regular basis.  

1. Connection: Setting aside time regularly is very important in marriage. Dating will help you stay connected. Feeling connected to your spouse will strengthen your marriage and may bring a sense of calmness (even if it's just for the time you are on the date) in you life. 

2. Intimacy: When life gets busy it's easy for the romance felt in the beginning of the relationship to dim down a bit. First Things First says it best, "regular date nights [increases] intimacy and passion in your marriage".

3. Resilience: Life is hard, work is hard, marriage is hard, school is hard... but it can be more manageable with your partner on your side. Dating your spouse helps strengthen the bond between husbands and wives.

Now I know what you're thinking "In a perfect world I would date my spouse". 

Excuses, Excuses, Excuses..KIDDING! I know life can get so crazy that you aren't able to spend quality time with your spouse. What if I told you you that dating your spouse does not have to include dinner and a movie? I mean it totally can if that's your thing.

For some couples going on a date is way expensive because. Not only do you have to pay for the date, you have to pay for a sitter too. Some of my friends that have kids cut this expense by kid swapping with another couple. When this isn't possible at home dates are a good alternative. Put the kids to bed early and then bust out the date. 

Here are some of my favorite at home date ideas.

1. Use a random word generator and sculpt whatever word you get out of play-dough. Give your self a time limit for an extra challenge.

2. Picnic in the living room.

3. Game night! play your favorite board games from your childhood (or adult games...you choose).

4. Design your dream house.

5. Bob Ross paint night.

6. Cook a new dish or dessert together.

7. Movie Night! watch your favorite current or childhood movie.

Sometimes we rrrreeeaaallllyyyy need to get out of the house, but we don't want to break the bank. Here are some of my favorite cheap dates.

1. Hiking (who am I kidding?).... walking cool trails in my area.

2. Thrift shopping (if we're careful this is cheap lol). 

3. Tacos...always Tacos

4. Play a sport (tennis and soccer are our go to).

5. Walking in a "dream" neighborhood. (maybe because we are so over apartment living).

Okay, so these lists are short and simple. I could go on and on, but every couple is different. What works for me and my husband may not work for you and your spouse. What I do know is that dating your spouse will work for your marriage no matter what stage of life you are in.  

I am always looking for new at home or cheap date ideas. Comment below some of your favorites!

Happy dating! 

Make the Honeymoon Last

You know the phrase "the honeymoon phase"? Yeah, I hate that. Why would you even want to put forth so much effort to plan a wedding if happiness in marriage only lasts one year?

Instead of telling couples things like "just wait until...." or "things will change after the first year" how about teach young couples how to prevent contention in marriage.

Throughout Dr. Gottman’s book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work he teaches his readers how to overcome trials in marriage. At the end of his book he teaches a concept titled “The Marital Poop Detector”.

This concept outlines how to prevent many marital quarrels before they occur. Gottman says “Those who refused to put up with lots of negativity – who insisted on gently confronting each other when, say, contempt or defensiveness threatened to become pervasive, wound up happy and satisfied years later. These findings suggest that every marriage ought to be equipped with a built-in early warning system that lets you know when your marital quality is in jeopardy. I call this system the Marital Poop Detector because it’s really a way of recognizing early whether something just doesn’t smell right!”

So what does this look like in real life? In my marriage it can be as simple as telling each other when we may be feeling frustrated, stressed, or even hangry (let's be honest, it's a real emotion). In my relationship being upfront like this helps soften the blow in the instance that one of us (usually ((most likely)) me) lashes out.

However, it isn't always easy to spot the poop in your marriage. You know the Febreze commercial that talks about being nose blind? Sometimes this can happen in marriage too. If you detect poop in your marriage and do nothing about then that is when nose blindness happens.

Gottman wrote a list of questions to assess how things are going in your marriage. Gottman suggests that if you answer yes to 4 or more of these questions then you should think about talking to you spouse soon.

                                                    

After you go through this assessment and you detect poop it can be easy to turn towards anger. And in the heat of the moment it's hard to see past anger or frustration.

One way to avoid hurtful arguments when talking to your spouse is by using a soft start up. When gently confronting your significant other it is important to avoid "you" statements. A better alternative is to use "I" statements. Using "I" statements can help to prevent your significant other from becoming defensive. These statements can also help slow an argument that would otherwise escalate very quickly.

Those who have been able to apply this principle in their marriage have proven to have a happier and more satisfied marriage. This can be tricky to apply in fear of setting off your spouse. It is important to remember Gottman’s other principles, especially when he teaches about Soft Start-ups. Having a soft start up can prevent from negativity escalating.

Once couples are able to detect when things are off in their marriage and then gently address them than they will be able to make the honeymoon phase last all marriage long.

There are many other ways to "detect poop" in marriage (or dating relationships). Comment below what works for you and your significant other.