Make the Honeymoon Last

You know the phrase "the honeymoon phase"? Yeah, I hate that. Why would you even want to put forth so much effort to plan a wedding if happiness in marriage only lasts one year?

Instead of telling couples things like "just wait until...." or "things will change after the first year" how about teach young couples how to prevent contention in marriage.

Throughout Dr. Gottman’s book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work he teaches his readers how to overcome trials in marriage. At the end of his book he teaches a concept titled “The Marital Poop Detector”.

This concept outlines how to prevent many marital quarrels before they occur. Gottman says “Those who refused to put up with lots of negativity – who insisted on gently confronting each other when, say, contempt or defensiveness threatened to become pervasive, wound up happy and satisfied years later. These findings suggest that every marriage ought to be equipped with a built-in early warning system that lets you know when your marital quality is in jeopardy. I call this system the Marital Poop Detector because it’s really a way of recognizing early whether something just doesn’t smell right!”

So what does this look like in real life? In my marriage it can be as simple as telling each other when we may be feeling frustrated, stressed, or even hangry (let's be honest, it's a real emotion). In my relationship being upfront like this helps soften the blow in the instance that one of us (usually ((most likely)) me) lashes out.

However, it isn't always easy to spot the poop in your marriage. You know the Febreze commercial that talks about being nose blind? Sometimes this can happen in marriage too. If you detect poop in your marriage and do nothing about then that is when nose blindness happens.

Gottman wrote a list of questions to assess how things are going in your marriage. Gottman suggests that if you answer yes to 4 or more of these questions then you should think about talking to you spouse soon.

                                                    

After you go through this assessment and you detect poop it can be easy to turn towards anger. And in the heat of the moment it's hard to see past anger or frustration.

One way to avoid hurtful arguments when talking to your spouse is by using a soft start up. When gently confronting your significant other it is important to avoid "you" statements. A better alternative is to use "I" statements. Using "I" statements can help to prevent your significant other from becoming defensive. These statements can also help slow an argument that would otherwise escalate very quickly.

Those who have been able to apply this principle in their marriage have proven to have a happier and more satisfied marriage. This can be tricky to apply in fear of setting off your spouse. It is important to remember Gottman’s other principles, especially when he teaches about Soft Start-ups. Having a soft start up can prevent from negativity escalating.

Once couples are able to detect when things are off in their marriage and then gently address them than they will be able to make the honeymoon phase last all marriage long.

There are many other ways to "detect poop" in marriage (or dating relationships). Comment below what works for you and your significant other.