Conflict is Inevitable

 

Hey strangers! It's been over a year since I posted on my blog. I was hoping that after I graduated (in December of 2020) I would be able to put more energy into my blog. Butttt then life happened and unfortunately writing blogs didn't happen like I wanted. But lucky for you I now have an extra year of experiences that you may be able to relate to. 

It's been a year and I still love John Gottman. So of course I will keep referring to his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. In chapter 8 Gottman discusses the two different types of problems in marriage; solvable and perpetual. Perpetual problems are problems that will occur in a marriage forever in some form or another. For example whose turn it is to take out the trash or the classic, "why are there so many Amazon boxes on the porch?" Gottman said in reference to perpetual problems in marriage “Unfortunately, the majority of marital conflicts fall into this category– 69%, to be exact. Time and again at four-year follow-ups we’d find couples still arguing about precisely the same issue.”  Later on, in this same chapter Gottman continues to say “These couples intuitively understand that some difficulties are inevitable, much the way chronic physical ailments are unavoidable as you get older. They are like a trick knee, a bad back, an irritable bowel, or tennis elbow. We may not enjoy having these problems, but we are able to cope by avoiding situations that worsen them, and by developing strategies and routines that help ease them.”

One strategy that I find helpful to ease perpetual conflict is to regularly do a SWOT. SWOT stands for Strengths, Weaknesses,  Opportunities, and Threats. SWOTs are used to analyze aspects of businesses to better help prepare for the present and future. This can be applied to your marriage too. When you notice perpetual conflict occurring take time weekly or every 2 weeks to sit down with your spouse and write our what y'all are doing well and what areas may need help. This strategy will bring up some of those perpetual conflicts and ways to get through them.

Gottman is right, conflict is inevitable no matter what. And in some cases, you have to do like Gottman suggests learning how to live with the difficulties. I think that another way to understand and apply this principle comes from James E. Faust. In 2006 he said “If we can find forgiveness in our hearts for those who have caused us hurt and injury, we will rise to a higher level of self-esteem and well-being. Some recent studies show that people who are taught to forgive become ‘less angry, more hopeful, less depressed, less anxious and less stressed,’ which leads to greater physical well-being. Another of these studies concludes ‘that forgiveness … is a liberating gift [that] people can give to themselves’.”

Sometimes forgiveness is a hard thing, especially when you have tried resolving a perpetual problem with your spouse a countless amount of times. I have experienced the relief from stress and anger by choosing to forgive instead of fix.

We are all learning in growing. And when we allow grace to take place in our marriage and relationships we will be able to have more happiness and joy.

Gordon B. Hinkley said "Somehow forgiveness, with love, and tolerance, accomplishes miracles that can happen in no other way."

So when those perpetual arguments creep in, remember that in order for miracles to happen in our marriage we need to do our best to forgive our spouse. I have been on the asking for forgiveness side more often then not. I am grateful for a spouse that offers me grace as I strive to do better.