Do You Trust Me?

Do you trust your significant other? How long did it take you to get to a point of where you fully trusted them? Naturally, after you meet and get to know someone the quality of trust will either begin to grow in that a relationship or not at all. Good 'ole Webster Dictionary defines trust as a “firm belief or confidence in the honesty, integrity, reliability, and justice of another person or thing” (Webster, 1828).  I guess I never really payed attention to all the different aspects of trust. There are so many that I'm sure we all are workin on daily to build.

I know in past posts I write a lot about John Gottman, well today I am going to introduce y'all to another wise man named John. His name is Dr. John Van Epp.  Van Epp is an experienced counselor and is the author of many great books focusing on building relationships. One of my Favorites is How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk, this book blend research and humor to guide individuals in making healthy relationship choices. 

Van Epp offered additional insights to this definition of trust that I mentioned earlier from the Webster Dictionary. He says “Trust encompasses every aspect of a partner – from something as simple as trusting that your partner will call you at the promised time, to trusting your partner to support you through your most difficult nightmare… Trust is the ground from which all your expectations will grow” (Vann Epp, 2007, p. 219). Trust in a way sets the foundation of bonding and intimacy in a relationship. How have you seen this develop in your own relationship?

Vann Epps  also offers a word of caution when allowing yourself to be vulnerable enough to trust someone. He says “You need to be cautious that you do not compromise your emotional safety and mental judgement just to maintain the security of having someone to love you” (Vann Epp, 2007, p. 220). I know that this can be so hard. We all want to be loved and needed by someone. It can be heartbreaking to cut off a relationship that in the long run is not built on trust. 

In Van Epp's book How to Avoid Falling in Love With  a Jerk he teaches readers about the RAM scale. The RAM scale is a simple way to look at relationships should grow in order to be healthy. This scale consists of 5 areas and they are know, Trust, Rely, Commit, and Sexual Touch. These 5 areas are levels of progression that should be followed in order to ensure relationships have strong healthy foundations. In order to stay in a safe zone Van Epp also suggests that individuals keep their trust slider slightly lower than the know slider. This is important especially when you are still building trust with someone” (Vann Epp, 2007, p. 222).

In the September 1988 issue of the Ensign Magazine there is  an article titled Is There Trust in Your Marriage?. This article teaches the importance of the having a foundation of trust in your marriage. “Trust is as central to a happy marriage as faith is to a testimony. If trust is strong and secure, the marriage can grow and flourish despite difficulties and crises. But if trust is weak or erratic, then the marriage will crumble under the pressures of daily life.” (Frandsen, 1988). Trust is one principle in marriage that requires work every day to strengthen. 

It is often thought that trust in marriage only applies to fidelity. However, this is not completely true. “We must also have confidence in each other’s integrity, intelligence, abilities, and potential. In fact, a lack of trust in the small, mundane aspects of life can eventually damage a marriage just as much as a lack of trust in fidelity. The daily nagging, second-guessing, and withholding of support can erode love until no foundation of trust is left.” (Frandsen, 1988). As you continue to learn about a person you will be able to build strong trust that will benefit your relationship and future marriage. 

I have nothing in common with my husband...

I have nothing in common with my husband, Glenn. He is a city boy from LA that loves video games and batman. He is a very easy going and I'm not. I NEED things to be planned out and I need there to be a plan and a plan B, sometimes a plan C too. The idea of just going with the flow stresses me out. We are about as opposite as they come. I love him and the fact that he has so many hobbies that bring him joy, they're just not my jam. 

I love reading posts/ listening to Al Carraway. Al is a Motivational Speaker and in one of her recent posts she wrote about her relationship with her husband. She said "I am a complete, whole person with out Ben [her husband]. He doesn't complete me, but WHOA, does he enhance me." I love that she so eloquently stated that it's okay to be your own person and still be together. There were times when Glenn and I were dating that I got nervous because we were so different. I wondered if we're going to have a happy marriage, but then I would remember how he encouraged me to focus on my education and support me in my responsibilities at church. Both of these things made me a better person. And because of that I felt peace in our relationship. 

I listen to a podcast called Follow Him with Hank Smith and John Bytheway.  During 2022 this podcast is talking all about the Old Testament, lets be real we all need a little extra help understanding the Old Testament. Back in early January one of the episodes was about the love story of Adam and Eve. I grew up knowing Adam and Eve were the first people on earth and they were put on the earth to be each other's help meet (aka partner). I don't know why I never thought about the relationship between them. 

In this episode of the podcast the guest speaker, Dr. Shon Hopkin talks about Adam and Eve building their relationship through conversation. And when you speak with someone you are typically looking at them face to face. "You're speaking as equals. And so if you think almost like a mirror image. Eve is his mirror image and a mirror image is similar to you but it's opposite of you. So there's this complementary nature."  I love the way he says that Adam and eve are equal but different. That's the way God created them to be. They complimented each other in a way that brought joy into their lives.

Again, Glenn and I have very little in common and because of that I feel we are able to compliment, each other very well. We are far from perfect, but we try every day to "enhance" each other everyday, so we can each be the best version of each other. 

How do you and your spouse enhance or compliment each other?

now you're speaking my (love) language

Oh Valentines day,  a day full of red and pink hearts, chocolate, flowers, and LOVE. Have you ever noticed
that the most popular ways to show love to your significant other around Valentines day is by giving gifts? I think it's interesting because not everyone feels loved by receiving or giving gifts. We all have a way we feel most loved, it's called our love language. 

The Love languages website says "The premise of The 5 Love Language book is quite simple: different people with different personalities give and receive love in different ways. By learning to recognize these preferences in yourself and in your loved ones, you can learn to identify the root of your conflicts, connect more profoundly, and truly begin to grow closer." 

So what are the 5 love languages? They are Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Gift Giving, and Quality time. As we grow and change as adults our love languages may change also. When I first married Glenn my love language was definitely physical touch. I wanted him to hold my hand in public, I wanted to sit RIGHT next to him on the couch as we watched tv. I still love these things, but now I also love quality time with Glenn, even if it is just going to the grocery store together, or going on a walk in our back yard. 

Just as our own love languages shift so may the love languages of our spouses.  It's so easy to know what ours and our spouses love language is. All we have to do is take a short quiz, and if you're like me one of your guilty pleasures as a teen was completing buzz feed quizzes. This quiz is almost just like buzz feed quizzes but better!

Once you learn our own and our spouses love language you may feel one of two ways... 1) excited and ready to love your spouse more fully in a way that they receive love the most or 2) more confused than ever before.  I love this chart found on an online counseling website. It goes over what each love language IS and IS NOT. 

Another aspect of this chart that I love is that is teaches us how to communicate with our loved ones how they can love us. For the first few months on mine and Glenn's marriage he would always surprise me with small gifts, which I appreciated but I never really knew why he would randomly buy me things. I eventually realized that his love language is giving/receiving gifts. We were able to talk about it and since then we both try to make a more conscience effort to love each other in a way that we best receive love. 

Love languages don't just apply to romantic partners, they can be used between friends and other family members. So share with me what your love language is! I'm always curious to see how my loved ones feel the most loved.

 

You can't Amazon Prime a healthy relationship

A lot of things in everyday our life are available to us quickly and cheaply. Some examples of these things are Amazon Prime, Netflix, and fast food. I can sit on my couch start an episode of criminal minds, order food through door dash, order groceries on my Walmart pickup app, and buy a random gadget off of Amazon that I saw on my "for you page" on Tik Tok all within a matter of MINUTES! I’m sure I could go on and list many more, but the truth is, this is not what will bring us lasting joy and companionship.

In the book Drawing Heaven into your Marriage H. Wallace Goddard says “Most of us want the prize without paying the price. We want to have a close, loving marriage, but we're not willing to give up our pet affections. But God has required us to make sacrifices if we are to enjoy that which is most valuable.”

Unlike Amazon and Netflix, Marriage requires a lot of sacrifice. In order to have joy and harmony in your marriage we need to follow the council that Goddard gives and make sacrifices for our significant others. Glenn is always going out of his way to make sacrifices in order for us to have a happy AND joyful marriage. He has so many amazing qualities, like listening, caring, but sacrifice is one of his best. I am constantly trying to follow his example and be more self-less.

What do I mean by sacrifices? I don't mean live in a way that you are miserable and resent your spouse, rather do small things each day to make your relationship more meaningful. Evenings at the Zepeda house tend to consist of Glenn and I sitting on the couch, with phone's in our hands, and with a show on the TV. This is not necessarily a bad thing however, it was becoming the only thing we did with our spare time.

Now that we have two tiny humans in our home we are trying to make our limited time alone together more meaningful. We both decided to make a tiny sacrifice to spend more quality time together, so after the kids are in bed we grab the baby monitor, put on multiple layers (because it's freezing right now in Georgia) and walk laps in our backyard. I know it sounds so strange, but it actually has been so fun having undistracted time with each other. We are able to talk about whatever we want.

Sacrifices in marriage will look different for each couple. Do what works best for you and your spouse.

How has making sacrifices helped you grow closer to your spouse? 

Conflict is Inevitable

 

Hey strangers! It's been over a year since I posted on my blog. I was hoping that after I graduated (in December of 2020) I would be able to put more energy into my blog. Butttt then life happened and unfortunately writing blogs didn't happen like I wanted. But lucky for you I now have an extra year of experiences that you may be able to relate to. 

It's been a year and I still love John Gottman. So of course I will keep referring to his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. In chapter 8 Gottman discusses the two different types of problems in marriage; solvable and perpetual. Perpetual problems are problems that will occur in a marriage forever in some form or another. For example whose turn it is to take out the trash or the classic, "why are there so many Amazon boxes on the porch?" Gottman said in reference to perpetual problems in marriage “Unfortunately, the majority of marital conflicts fall into this category– 69%, to be exact. Time and again at four-year follow-ups we’d find couples still arguing about precisely the same issue.”  Later on, in this same chapter Gottman continues to say “These couples intuitively understand that some difficulties are inevitable, much the way chronic physical ailments are unavoidable as you get older. They are like a trick knee, a bad back, an irritable bowel, or tennis elbow. We may not enjoy having these problems, but we are able to cope by avoiding situations that worsen them, and by developing strategies and routines that help ease them.”

One strategy that I find helpful to ease perpetual conflict is to regularly do a SWOT. SWOT stands for Strengths, Weaknesses,  Opportunities, and Threats. SWOTs are used to analyze aspects of businesses to better help prepare for the present and future. This can be applied to your marriage too. When you notice perpetual conflict occurring take time weekly or every 2 weeks to sit down with your spouse and write our what y'all are doing well and what areas may need help. This strategy will bring up some of those perpetual conflicts and ways to get through them.

Gottman is right, conflict is inevitable no matter what. And in some cases, you have to do like Gottman suggests learning how to live with the difficulties. I think that another way to understand and apply this principle comes from James E. Faust. In 2006 he said “If we can find forgiveness in our hearts for those who have caused us hurt and injury, we will rise to a higher level of self-esteem and well-being. Some recent studies show that people who are taught to forgive become ‘less angry, more hopeful, less depressed, less anxious and less stressed,’ which leads to greater physical well-being. Another of these studies concludes ‘that forgiveness … is a liberating gift [that] people can give to themselves’.”

Sometimes forgiveness is a hard thing, especially when you have tried resolving a perpetual problem with your spouse a countless amount of times. I have experienced the relief from stress and anger by choosing to forgive instead of fix.

We are all learning in growing. And when we allow grace to take place in our marriage and relationships we will be able to have more happiness and joy.

Gordon B. Hinkley said "Somehow forgiveness, with love, and tolerance, accomplishes miracles that can happen in no other way."

So when those perpetual arguments creep in, remember that in order for miracles to happen in our marriage we need to do our best to forgive our spouse. I have been on the asking for forgiveness side more often then not. I am grateful for a spouse that offers me grace as I strive to do better.

10/10 Recommend Dating Your Spouse

Wanna know what's better than going on a date? Going on a date with your spouse. Let's be honest first dates can be awkward and even stressful. There's no pressure to order the salad (that will leave you starving by the time you get home) or running out of things to talk about when you date your spouse. When you're married you can order whatever you want. 10/10 recommend dating your spouse after you get married. 

Remember last week when I wrote about how I hate the phrase "the honeymoon phase"? Dating your spouse is another great way to make the honeymoon last.

First Things First is a great website that is full of marriage and parenting advice. The article Why Date Night Matters outlines  3 main benefits to dating your spouse on a regular basis.  

1. Connection: Setting aside time regularly is very important in marriage. Dating will help you stay connected. Feeling connected to your spouse will strengthen your marriage and may bring a sense of calmness (even if it's just for the time you are on the date) in you life. 

2. Intimacy: When life gets busy it's easy for the romance felt in the beginning of the relationship to dim down a bit. First Things First says it best, "regular date nights [increases] intimacy and passion in your marriage".

3. Resilience: Life is hard, work is hard, marriage is hard, school is hard... but it can be more manageable with your partner on your side. Dating your spouse helps strengthen the bond between husbands and wives.

Now I know what you're thinking "In a perfect world I would date my spouse". 

Excuses, Excuses, Excuses..KIDDING! I know life can get so crazy that you aren't able to spend quality time with your spouse. What if I told you you that dating your spouse does not have to include dinner and a movie? I mean it totally can if that's your thing.

For some couples going on a date is way expensive because. Not only do you have to pay for the date, you have to pay for a sitter too. Some of my friends that have kids cut this expense by kid swapping with another couple. When this isn't possible at home dates are a good alternative. Put the kids to bed early and then bust out the date. 

Here are some of my favorite at home date ideas.

1. Use a random word generator and sculpt whatever word you get out of play-dough. Give your self a time limit for an extra challenge.

2. Picnic in the living room.

3. Game night! play your favorite board games from your childhood (or adult games...you choose).

4. Design your dream house.

5. Bob Ross paint night.

6. Cook a new dish or dessert together.

7. Movie Night! watch your favorite current or childhood movie.

Sometimes we rrrreeeaaallllyyyy need to get out of the house, but we don't want to break the bank. Here are some of my favorite cheap dates.

1. Hiking (who am I kidding?).... walking cool trails in my area.

2. Thrift shopping (if we're careful this is cheap lol). 

3. Tacos...always Tacos

4. Play a sport (tennis and soccer are our go to).

5. Walking in a "dream" neighborhood. (maybe because we are so over apartment living).

Okay, so these lists are short and simple. I could go on and on, but every couple is different. What works for me and my husband may not work for you and your spouse. What I do know is that dating your spouse will work for your marriage no matter what stage of life you are in.  

I am always looking for new at home or cheap date ideas. Comment below some of your favorites!

Happy dating! 

Make the Honeymoon Last

You know the phrase "the honeymoon phase"? Yeah, I hate that. Why would you even want to put forth so much effort to plan a wedding if happiness in marriage only lasts one year?

Instead of telling couples things like "just wait until...." or "things will change after the first year" how about teach young couples how to prevent contention in marriage.

Throughout Dr. Gottman’s book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work he teaches his readers how to overcome trials in marriage. At the end of his book he teaches a concept titled “The Marital Poop Detector”.

This concept outlines how to prevent many marital quarrels before they occur. Gottman says “Those who refused to put up with lots of negativity – who insisted on gently confronting each other when, say, contempt or defensiveness threatened to become pervasive, wound up happy and satisfied years later. These findings suggest that every marriage ought to be equipped with a built-in early warning system that lets you know when your marital quality is in jeopardy. I call this system the Marital Poop Detector because it’s really a way of recognizing early whether something just doesn’t smell right!”

So what does this look like in real life? In my marriage it can be as simple as telling each other when we may be feeling frustrated, stressed, or even hangry (let's be honest, it's a real emotion). In my relationship being upfront like this helps soften the blow in the instance that one of us (usually ((most likely)) me) lashes out.

However, it isn't always easy to spot the poop in your marriage. You know the Febreze commercial that talks about being nose blind? Sometimes this can happen in marriage too. If you detect poop in your marriage and do nothing about then that is when nose blindness happens.

Gottman wrote a list of questions to assess how things are going in your marriage. Gottman suggests that if you answer yes to 4 or more of these questions then you should think about talking to you spouse soon.

                                                    

After you go through this assessment and you detect poop it can be easy to turn towards anger. And in the heat of the moment it's hard to see past anger or frustration.

One way to avoid hurtful arguments when talking to your spouse is by using a soft start up. When gently confronting your significant other it is important to avoid "you" statements. A better alternative is to use "I" statements. Using "I" statements can help to prevent your significant other from becoming defensive. These statements can also help slow an argument that would otherwise escalate very quickly.

Those who have been able to apply this principle in their marriage have proven to have a happier and more satisfied marriage. This can be tricky to apply in fear of setting off your spouse. It is important to remember Gottman’s other principles, especially when he teaches about Soft Start-ups. Having a soft start up can prevent from negativity escalating.

Once couples are able to detect when things are off in their marriage and then gently address them than they will be able to make the honeymoon phase last all marriage long.

There are many other ways to "detect poop" in marriage (or dating relationships). Comment below what works for you and your significant other.