10/10 Recommend Dating Your Spouse

Wanna know what's better than going on a date? Going on a date with your spouse. Let's be honest first dates can be awkward and even stressful. There's no pressure to order the salad (that will leave you starving by the time you get home) or running out of things to talk about when you date your spouse. When you're married you can order whatever you want. 10/10 recommend dating your spouse after you get married. 

Remember last week when I wrote about how I hate the phrase "the honeymoon phase"? Dating your spouse is another great way to make the honeymoon last.

First Things First is a great website that is full of marriage and parenting advice. The article Why Date Night Matters outlines  3 main benefits to dating your spouse on a regular basis.  

1. Connection: Setting aside time regularly is very important in marriage. Dating will help you stay connected. Feeling connected to your spouse will strengthen your marriage and may bring a sense of calmness (even if it's just for the time you are on the date) in you life. 

2. Intimacy: When life gets busy it's easy for the romance felt in the beginning of the relationship to dim down a bit. First Things First says it best, "regular date nights [increases] intimacy and passion in your marriage".

3. Resilience: Life is hard, work is hard, marriage is hard, school is hard... but it can be more manageable with your partner on your side. Dating your spouse helps strengthen the bond between husbands and wives.

Now I know what you're thinking "In a perfect world I would date my spouse". 

Excuses, Excuses, Excuses..KIDDING! I know life can get so crazy that you aren't able to spend quality time with your spouse. What if I told you you that dating your spouse does not have to include dinner and a movie? I mean it totally can if that's your thing.

For some couples going on a date is way expensive because. Not only do you have to pay for the date, you have to pay for a sitter too. Some of my friends that have kids cut this expense by kid swapping with another couple. When this isn't possible at home dates are a good alternative. Put the kids to bed early and then bust out the date. 

Here are some of my favorite at home date ideas.

1. Use a random word generator and sculpt whatever word you get out of play-dough. Give your self a time limit for an extra challenge.

2. Picnic in the living room.

3. Game night! play your favorite board games from your childhood (or adult games...you choose).

4. Design your dream house.

5. Bob Ross paint night.

6. Cook a new dish or dessert together.

7. Movie Night! watch your favorite current or childhood movie.

Sometimes we rrrreeeaaallllyyyy need to get out of the house, but we don't want to break the bank. Here are some of my favorite cheap dates.

1. Hiking (who am I kidding?).... walking cool trails in my area.

2. Thrift shopping (if we're careful this is cheap lol). 

3. Tacos...always Tacos

4. Play a sport (tennis and soccer are our go to).

5. Walking in a "dream" neighborhood. (maybe because we are so over apartment living).

Okay, so these lists are short and simple. I could go on and on, but every couple is different. What works for me and my husband may not work for you and your spouse. What I do know is that dating your spouse will work for your marriage no matter what stage of life you are in.  

I am always looking for new at home or cheap date ideas. Comment below some of your favorites!

Happy dating! 

Make the Honeymoon Last

You know the phrase "the honeymoon phase"? Yeah, I hate that. Why would you even want to put forth so much effort to plan a wedding if happiness in marriage only lasts one year?

Instead of telling couples things like "just wait until...." or "things will change after the first year" how about teach young couples how to prevent contention in marriage.

Throughout Dr. Gottman’s book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work he teaches his readers how to overcome trials in marriage. At the end of his book he teaches a concept titled “The Marital Poop Detector”.

This concept outlines how to prevent many marital quarrels before they occur. Gottman says “Those who refused to put up with lots of negativity – who insisted on gently confronting each other when, say, contempt or defensiveness threatened to become pervasive, wound up happy and satisfied years later. These findings suggest that every marriage ought to be equipped with a built-in early warning system that lets you know when your marital quality is in jeopardy. I call this system the Marital Poop Detector because it’s really a way of recognizing early whether something just doesn’t smell right!”

So what does this look like in real life? In my marriage it can be as simple as telling each other when we may be feeling frustrated, stressed, or even hangry (let's be honest, it's a real emotion). In my relationship being upfront like this helps soften the blow in the instance that one of us (usually ((most likely)) me) lashes out.

However, it isn't always easy to spot the poop in your marriage. You know the Febreze commercial that talks about being nose blind? Sometimes this can happen in marriage too. If you detect poop in your marriage and do nothing about then that is when nose blindness happens.

Gottman wrote a list of questions to assess how things are going in your marriage. Gottman suggests that if you answer yes to 4 or more of these questions then you should think about talking to you spouse soon.

                                                    

After you go through this assessment and you detect poop it can be easy to turn towards anger. And in the heat of the moment it's hard to see past anger or frustration.

One way to avoid hurtful arguments when talking to your spouse is by using a soft start up. When gently confronting your significant other it is important to avoid "you" statements. A better alternative is to use "I" statements. Using "I" statements can help to prevent your significant other from becoming defensive. These statements can also help slow an argument that would otherwise escalate very quickly.

Those who have been able to apply this principle in their marriage have proven to have a happier and more satisfied marriage. This can be tricky to apply in fear of setting off your spouse. It is important to remember Gottman’s other principles, especially when he teaches about Soft Start-ups. Having a soft start up can prevent from negativity escalating.

Once couples are able to detect when things are off in their marriage and then gently address them than they will be able to make the honeymoon phase last all marriage long.

There are many other ways to "detect poop" in marriage (or dating relationships). Comment below what works for you and your significant other. 

You Got a Friend in Me!

When Glenn and I got married we received a lot of wonderful gifts from families and friends. One of the gifts we got was a book titled The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. If you haven't read anything by Gottman, do yourself a favor and pick up this book. In his book he teaches in order to have a strong marriage we must have strong friendships as a base. 

Why is friendship such a key factor in marriage? Gottman says "By this means a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other's company. These couples tend to know each other intimately --- they are well versed in each other's likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but through small gestures day in and day out (pg. 21)." 

As I read this quote I thought about how lucky I am to have married my best friend....did you barf a little in your mouth? Be honest... I mean even I cringed a bit typing that! But it's true! Glenn and I met through mutual friends (my roommate was dating his roommate). Since our roommates were dating each other we often got together as apartments to hang out. Hiking, laser tag, eating, eating, oh and more eating (making fried Oreos was probably when I won Glenn's heart) were some of our favorite things to do as a group. This friendship has aided in our marriage because we are aware of each other’s dislikes and personality quirks before we started dating. 

Another great author, John Vann Epp, writes about the Relationship Attachment Model (RAM) in his book, How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk. The RAM model consists of five areas of attachment that are critical to any relationship. These areas must maintain balance throughout the relationship to ensure satisfaction between the couple. The first area of attachment is Know. Getting to know someone (or becoming friends) is a foundational step to building a stronger relationship. Naturally we take time to learn about a person before we trust, commit or even become sexually intimate. (Van Epp, 2007).

My husband and I got married six months after meeting each other. As we prepared for our wedding I often wondered if I knew enough about my soon to be husband. We made meaningful dates a priority. During this time, we were able to talk openly about our past, current, and future lives. We also would occasionally do homework together so we could get to know each other in stressful situation.

Gottman's book has reminded me that I also need to put forth effort to build a friendship with my husband. One way that we are able to strengthen our friendship is by eating dinner together (not in front of the tv). While we eat we are both able learn about what is happening in each other's (very busy) lives. This simple daily practice has actually blessed our marriage and friendship in more ways than I thought. 

As cheesy as it sounds, my husband is my best friend and I really look up to him on how I can improve as a wife and a friend. What are some things you do to strengthen your friendship with your significant other? Comment below because I love learning from other couples what works for them. 

What is Get Hitched, Stay Hitched?

Hey friends! I started this blog last year for a school project and now that I have a little more time on my hands I wanted to revive it. So here is a quick overview of who I am and why I would even be writing a blog about marriage and family. My husband Glenn and I got married 2 years ago after dating for only 6 months! Yeah, I know we're crazy. Hopefully after reading this blog you will come to understand what we did to prepare for marriage and what we do EVERYDAY to make marriage work. 

I'm 23 years old and I'll be graduating with a Bachelors of Science in Marriage and Family Studies at the end of this year (December could not come fast enough).  In a way this blog is a place for me to apply what I am learning into everyday marriage and family life.

So why the title Get Hitched, Stay Hitched? I feel like  a lot of people my age are in love with the idea of planning a wedding. This is all great, but your wedding colors and the perfect center pieces are not going to be the things that save your marriage. Skills such as communication, friendship, and forgiveness are what must be cultivated in order to not only get hitched, but to stay hitched.

                                 
My goal is to share ways with you on how to make marriage work. As a Family Life Educator my purpose is to empower families with knowledge and skills to enhance well-being and strengthen marriage and family relationships.

I am by no means perfect at applying these principles. I hope that by sharing what I am learning, I will come close to perfection. I am excited to share what I am learning. Comment below topics you would like to read more about!